I am nearing the end of my dissertation data collection and I must say, I feel like I have been running a marathon that just won't end. Right now, I feel like I've hit the wall at mile 20; I know I just have a 10K to go, but man I really really don't want to run those last 6.2 miles! With 5 subjects to go and 2 weeks until my due date, it has become pretty apparent that I won't be finishing my data collection before I give birth. The exceptions might be either a) the baby comes 1 or 2 weeks late and/or b) we decide not to go all the way to 20 subjects. In any case, I'm not holding my breath.
As I have trudged through this process, I came to realize that the dissertation process makes you feel a lot of things, including the 5 stages of grief. I have definitely made the rounds through these 5 stages multiple times (see below).
DENIAL
I'm not sure I've spent a lot of time here, although recently my denial has been about the fact that I'm having a baby potentially any day now. I keep thinking to myself, "Oh I have lots of time before she comes," but in reality it could be tomorrow or it could be after Mother's Day. But as far as the dissertation goes, I think that denial could take the form of dragging your feet on getting your data collected because you think that you have all the time in the world, when in reality, you have to remember that it takes a lot of time to analyze the data, write up the results, get it to your committee, actually find a time when all 5 of your committee members can congregate for your defense, and then make the corrections to your document before getting it to the Graduate School by their deadline for graduation.
BARGAINING
I have spent a bit of time here. It usually goes something like, "Okay, if so-and-so helps me out here, and maybe if I can get all 6 of these subjects scheduled in the next 2 weeks, and if the baby wouldn't mind staying in utero for 2 weeks past her due date, then I can finish my data collection by Mother's Day." Although now that I think about it, that probably overlaps with denial, haha!
ANGER
Oh yes, I have definitely spend a good bit of time here. It is usually when I feel like the people who are supposed to be helping me out with data collection aren't stepping up, or when I put in an order for supplies and the order gets lost. Or worse, when someone tells me they are going to help me out in any way they can, and then they end up not being true to their word, or they seem to have all kinds of time to help out another student with data collection but when it comes to me, they are all booked up. Or sometimes I get a little angry at myself for choosing a project that is so time intensive with the data collection. But then I also get angry when I start to think about other people who did their dissertations before me from our department, and how their advisors seemed to go really easy on them in terms of the type of projects they did and how it only took them a fraction of the time to complete their dissertations compared to mine. And yet, they have still come away with a PhD. This last point really makes my blood boil, so I try not to think about it too much.
DEPRESSION
Along with anger, I have spent a good bit of time here too. It usually takes the form of, "I feel like I am never going to finish this stinking degree, and I'm not sure my committee really cares if or when I finish either." Or also, "what I am going to do if I can't find those last 3 cancer survivor subjects?" Or also, "if I can't get this activity assay data to look right, I don't know what I'm going to do."
ACCEPTANCE
There are a few occasions when I have some waves of clarity about the whole process. Intellectually, I do know that this chapter of my life will come to a close, and that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I also know there are certain things about the process that are not in my control, but as long as the ball is in my court, I just have to keep plugging away.
